Sunday, April 3, 2011

Why I Should Be Ruler of the World

(For my writing class I am to write an I Believe essay, modeled after NPR's program. This is my rough draft, but I thought you, my dear blog readers, would be amused by it.)

The world is full of things that just generally suck: Hummers, mosquitos, the flu, really terrible laws, commercials, et cetera. As a child, I used to contemplate these things that I found so irksome and useless, then come up with ways to eradicate them. For example, as a 7 year old, I had the revelation that to get rid of all cigarettes, one could simply bomb all factories that produced them (provided that all personnel was vacated and that no surrounding damage was done).

Unfortunately for me, none of my brilliant ideas were ever adopted. My status as a child was what first hindered me, but I waited patiently to grow up-- I assumed I would have more say in what goes on in the world once I could vote.

Now, as a registered voter, I see that I still have little to no say in what goes on anywhere. This is what began my plan to take over the world. Here is my resume, and I hope you will see that I am qualified:

To start off, I am a rational human being capable of thinking carefully over any and all situations. As long as I have a team of trusty advisors (whom I have already appointed, based on their own qualifications), I anticipate that I will be able to choose the best course of action in any given situation.

Additionally, I will not agree with everyone, nor will everyone agree with my policies. I am aware that all humans have different opinions-- however, I would like to assert that mine are the best, and therefore I am more qualified than others to actually make decisions.

As a leader, I would not turn into a tyrant such as Fidel Castro, Joseph Stalin, and most certainly NOT Adolf Hitler. I can guarantee this for many reasons, but most importantly because I am a woman. Women do not make good evil overlords, because they tend to have more compassion for others. Personally I would not make a good evil leader because I am rather motherly by nature.

With these qualifications and others, I think I could very successfully rule the world. No longer would there be gas-guzzling hummers, all mosquitos would be kept in quarantine away from human life, repressive laws would be eradicated, commercials would exist on only their own channels for the viewing pleasure of those who really want to watch them. And all cigarette factories would be converted into community gardens (not bombed). These are things that I believe in, and I believe I would make an excellently benign dictator.

With dictatorliness,


  1. LOL, I love this post. I would love to have you as our world dictator! And I actually kind of agree with those points you made a about being a woman. Women DO tend to be more compassionate and less violent...

  2. I would vote for you. #justsaying